For Immediate Release
February 20th, 2010


From the Compost Bin – Pittsburgh PA:

If nothing else, the management team of the Pittsburgh Lumber Company is bold. Making not one, but two deals to move up to the top of the woodpile in the MWBL is the kind of move that championship teams dare to make. Unfortunately, baseball history is also littered with brazen franchises that mortgage the future only to see it go up in flames. Time will tell if the Lumber Company is viewed as genius or idiot through the prism of time. But one thing is undoubtedly certain: nothing can stop them from drafting their man.

And who is this mystery man? It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes, or even Blue’s Clues, to put two and two together and figure out that it equals 5. And that Scott Boras is the devil incarnate. Confused? Then read on, dear reader. Read on.

To understand just how predictable the #1 overall pick will be requires knowledge of MWBL history. In particular, 2008: the birth of the Lumber Company. In the dispersal draft that year, MWBL greenhorn GM John Niespodzianski plucked a portly college-bound slugger with a strange ’07 designation attached to his name. Not because he was a genius, but because the talent pool was getting thin and this guy was a potential future star. But that ’07 designation for a college frosh pretty much said it all: this kid was never going to make the show in time.

But, what the hell… it was the 109th pick of the dispersal draft, and it’s safe to assume that passing on JJ Furmaniak at this stage wasn’t going to set the franchise back any length of time. So Pittsburgh selected their mystery man, with no reasonable expectation that he could make the show in time.

But as fate would have it, the mystery man swats the snot out of the ball in college, and opts to leave college for the MLB draft. And lo and behold, he is drafted by the hometown club… destiny! But wait… who’s his agent? Scotty Frickin’ Boras.

So all hope for a quick signing, a couple of months of mashing in the minors, followed by a start in AAA the next season with a September cameo to appease a famished fanbase would appear to be lost. Shoot, with Boras at the wheel it’s possible the kid wouldn’t sign at all and join the St. Paul Saints.


An opportunity to cut bait and abandon hope presents itself that summer, as Brooklyn Ave. makes an offer of Brian Roberts for Aaron Hill, Andy Sonnanstine, and Pittsburgh’s choice of their #1 pick or the mystery man. Destiny! Fate! Common sense says to dump the mystery man and run for the hills… but sometimes common sense just ain’t that common. The Lumber Company opts to hold on to the mystery man and instead ships of their #1 selection in the deal. And just take a look at what a stinker this transaction turns out to be:

12/8/2008 Roberts, Brian Hill, Aaron
Sonnanstine, Andy
McCutchen, Andrew

Yes, not only does Pittsburgh decide to keep the ill-fated mystery man, but the #1 overall pick turns out to be Andrew McCutchen. Ugh.

I think you, dear reader, see how this story ends. Because of Boras’ midnight shenanigans the mystery man never made that trip to the minors his draft year to do some mashing. Instead he was told to just go home and get ready for the next year. So that September cameo that would have secured his rights for the Lumber Company never materialized. So, POOF! Off he goes into the draft pool, while Aaron Hill swats 36 HR, Andrew McCutchen plays like the ROY, and Pittsburgh is left with an aging Brian Roberts and shattered dreams of what could have been.

The story could have ended there, but there are three things that Pittsburghers love: mullets, moustaches, and being stubborn. Niespodzianski lost his mullet years ago, and tried the cheesy moustache thing during his military years, but was never able to shake out the stubborn.

So our hell-bent GM decides he will do the unthinkable (or at least unadvisable): he sets out to get his man, dammit. Better to go down in flames than let Bor-ass have his moral victory.

So goodbye, Denard Span. Pittsburgh’s moving on up with the Jeffersons to the #2 overall pick.

And for a while, all is good. Then visions of Boras on the shoulder with a pitchfork laughing maniacally as Detroit snags the mystery man #1 overall start to haunt the GM. So he deals what few draft picks he has left to swap places with Detroit to move up one spot and claim that #1 overall pick.

And yes, at this point it’s obvious who the mystery man is.

Wait. What? Oh, you wanted to know how the hell 2 + 2 = 5? Damn, you actually paid attention to this drivel. OK, 5 is the hot corner… home to one PEDRO ALVAREZ. At least until he gets to Pittsburgh and gets too fat from eating too many Primanti’s capicola and cheese sandwiches.

And you never know, he may decide to grow a mullet and moustache.

WEDNESDAY 07/31/2024
AT 11:59 PM - ET!